I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
