Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There's always time for handjobs
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
