her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize