I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
