Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
