How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize