What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
