even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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