No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
