Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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