I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
