apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize