So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
