Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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