love makes seman taste better
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
