Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
