Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
