so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Less talking, more tequila
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
