having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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