I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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