My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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