think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
