watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
