I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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