You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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