sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
