they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
