i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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