dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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