I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
