he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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