never play flip cup with pint glasses
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize