Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize