Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
