textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
