he wants to bone in the snuggie
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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