Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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