I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
