I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
