I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
