I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
