I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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