i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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