I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't deserve a penis
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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