I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
