My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
