if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
