In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I have fence marks all over my body
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
