Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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