Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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