She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Pooping to opera.
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