I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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