Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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