i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
