I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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