Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
