no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
