I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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