Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
